~ Hiatus: an interruption in time or continuity; break; especially : a period when something (such as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted (after a 5-year hiatus from writing, a summer hiatus) ~
A hiatus. As the definition suggests, it’s a break or interruption. During the summer, I knew I needed a hiatus. A break from social media, a break from the pressure, a break from writing, a break from it all. As I left my time in Paris, I felt…off. I wasn’t myself and I knew that for a long time, I wasn’t the person that I wanted to be. In the midst of this life-searching, I wasn’t happy writing. I didn’t get the exhilaration and the enjoyment from when I started. It didn’t feel right anymore because I had lost the fun in it.
I burned out because I was pumping out so much content between the blog, social media, and emails, that I didn’t have a moment to breathe. Feeling burnt out is the worst and up until the beginning of October, I didn’t even feel the drive to take a photo of my shoes when I dressed up for work one day. While I was in DC this summer, I can count the number of times that I took a photo of myself on one hand. Crazy, right? That’s why I needed a hiatus. I wanted some time to remember who I was and to find myself. I have spent so much time in the last five years comparing myself to everyone else that I forgot to create content that makes me happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love some of the content that I created, even when I wasn’t at my best. The problem is, I know it wasn’t my best work. I hate putting out work that is not my best. I’m a perfectionist. It’s part of what gets my anxiety going, but it also makes me want to create the best work I can and always make myself proud. In an ever-growing industry, there are many times where I don’t have the money to keep up. It’s actually part of why I needed the hiatus. I got caught up in being the first, having the freshest clothes, and making the most money from this blog. Money is always a defining factor that makes me work harder, but when I wasn’t getting results for the effort I put into each post, I started to wonder if it was really worth it.
During my hiatus, I did a lot. I allowed myself to be normal, instead of just a media personality who was faking behind a screen. I’m not saying that all of what I was doing and saying wasn’t real. In fact, I believed everything I said. The problem is that I wasn’t allowing myself to say everything I wanted. My focus was limited to one half of who I want to am, which is a disservice to myself and to anyone who actually sits here and reads what I put out.
The whole purpose of the last name change for my website was to allow myself to fully be me. I’m a lot of things…good, bad, and everything in between. I’m a:
I’m someone who loves talking about clothes, designers, shoes, and fashion month. I’m an artsy person, I’m literally studying art in school because I love going to museums and spouting off random facts about Bosch’s “The Garden of Earthly Delights”, Ancient Greek and Egyptian art, & Frida Kahlo pieces. Both of these things bring a smile to my face, but they aren’t everything to me.
I’m also someone who enjoys advocating for others, hence the new political nature of my Twitter feed. I love politics, like really love politics. So much so that it’s my other major in school and I study it on an almost-daily basis. My life doesn’t end and begin with the arts, but it also doesn’t end or begin with politics. As I said, I’m a wearer of many hats, so I’m not a one-track mind. Humans are dynamic, it’s what makes us real and different from each other. It’s what makes me, me.
I needed this hiatus to find out what I wanted to write, but more over, to find the person who I want to be. Do I want to be someone who just fakes my way through life and through something I love, or do I want to be real and honest? Well, I found my answer.
I’ve got a long list of topics that I am going to touch on soon, but they’re things that matter to me. Don’t worry, I’m not just going to hit things like voting, politics, and tough topics, but also the reasons why I skipped Fashion Month for the first time in 3 years, expand on my diversity in fashion series, and so much more. I’m going to talk about things that I enjoy and that make me happy so I don’t just burn out, get frustrated, and end up leaving permanently this time. I’m back, so I’m ready to share what I have up my sleeve.